Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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