now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
