I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
