Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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