Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
