If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
