i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
