I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
