Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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