Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
