he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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