I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
