Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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