you didnt know i had herpes?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
