Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
