Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
