How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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