oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
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so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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