I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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