He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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