you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Randomize
