The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
