ADVERTISEMENT

• (516): View more from New York

  Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.

  Fav 86 1529 2912

  share tweet
  

• (734): View more from Michigan

  i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.

  Fav 87 2163 20781

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (305): View more from Florida

  I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"

  Fav 18 7277 1717

  share tweet
  

• (586): View more from Michigan

  May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.

  Fav 18 1070 5804

  share tweet
  

• (631): View more from New York

  You only like me because I'm a challenge

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You already blew me

  Fav 21 6466 1652

  share tweet
  

• (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.

  Fav 3 1205 2214

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (419): View more from Ohio

  my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier

  Fav 10 1272 778

  share tweet
  

• (307): View more from Wyoming

  I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker

  Fav 6 1421 696

  share tweet
  

• (913): View more from Kansas

  did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom

  Fav 5 2370 769

  share tweet
  

• (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing

  Fav 1 755 618

  share tweet
  

• (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks

  Fav 4 1191 624

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (425): View more from Washington

  Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal

  (425): View more from Washington

  Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.

  Fav 0 850 491

  share tweet
  

• (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.

  Fav 2 449 181

  share tweet
  

• (308): View more from Nebraska

  I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

  Fav 1 18 52

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (913): View more from Kansas

  He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.

  Fav 0 19 53

  share tweet
  

Randomize