Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Dick very happy bro
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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