My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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