im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
