I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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