on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
