Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
