first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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