last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
