I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
