bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
