I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
