Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
