I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
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All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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