Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
