Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
