he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
