turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
