Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
