some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
