She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
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Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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