This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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