Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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