My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
