Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
