We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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