If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
