i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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