I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
