i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
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She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
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turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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