The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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