I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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